Grief can be an overwhelming and unpredictable experience, affecting both emotional and physical health and well-being. While there is no "one-size-fits-all" approach to managing change and loss, here are ten easily implemented and effective strategies to help you tap into self-compassion, heal at a pace that suits you, and find a sense of peace as you navigate this difficult time.
1. Spend time with Your Grief
Grief can bring waves of emotions, including sadness, denial, anger and numbness. Other valid feelings may include guilt, relief, nostalgia, confusion, physical symptoms, vivid dreams and even avoidance. Allow yourself to intentionally visit with your loss. Embrace the freedom to feel whatever you are feeling, fully and without judgment. As each wave washes over you, take time to recognise and acknowledge the feeling, allowing yourself to sit within it as it occurs (i.e. express it, breathe through it, allow it to be deeply felt in your body).
Consider setting aside some focused deep grieving time each day to explore these thoughts, feelings and sensations. Miss your person, remember them, connect with their essence and experience what's in your heart and mind. Express your emotions in ways that feel right for you, for example through crying, talking, singing, retreating to a comfortable environment, playing loud or soft music, moving your body and/or through creative outlets such as writing in a journal.
Consider setting time aside in your day to engage in these aspects - aka the work of grieving, alongside the other aspects of your life that are important to you (such as exercising, hobbies and passions, pet time, work, rest etc). This will allow you to balance time spent honoring your loss whilst also attending to your needs as they arise.
2. Grieve Your Way
There is no "correct" timeline for grief. There are no "shoulds" or "musts". Your grief can look different to that of others, and what is most useful and comforting to you can change as time passes. These are the truisms of loss, and giving yourself space and permission to feel, move and do things your way is empowering and encourages authentic healing.
Healing is a process that varies for each person, and it’s important to craft your own journey, no matter how long it takes or whatever form feels most helpful.
3. Create a Hand-picked "Dream-team" Support System
Having people around you who understand and support your unique grief journey is incredibly helpful. Comfort and good listening may also come from less expected sources, be open to them too. Those who show up for you with compassion, comfort and peaceful energy help you to express emotions and feel heard - important healing mechanisms.
On the other hand, well-meaning but "energy-sapping" people may slow your progress. Carefully assess who you choose to allow into your world right now. Individuals who require you to support them heavily, who need something from you (even things that wouldn't normally be a problem such as hospitality) or who try to rush you through your grieving process are best parked for now.
Some unhelpful comments may include:
"...cheer up, at least you still have (your other children/your health/your partner's superannuation) ..."
"I'll help you clean out (the deceased's) closet this weekend, it's been xx months already, you know..."
"I've arranged a big day out for you - you need to get back into the world..."
"...you should be moving on by now..."
These comments can unintentionally add to your emotional burden. It may be useful to group message your family and friends to tell them you're taking a deliberate (brief or extended) "time out" period for some uninterrupted, self-paced healing. Setting a boundary like this provides clarity and reassurance to those who may be feeling unsure how to help.
4. Take Care of Future You (they'll thank you later)
Taking care of your body is just as important as taking care of your mind right now.
Consider self-care that can be simplified by outsourcing or scheduling, i.e. signing up for meal services, pre-booking regular health appointments for the next few months, cancelling upcoming events that aren't for you, booking or arranging regular tasks to be undertaken on your behalf, scheduling regular self-care appointments like massages or other special outings that feel comforting right now. Taking time (or accepting help) to organise the little things allows "future you" the space and solace for self-paced healing.
It may seem obvious, but make sure you’re eating well, staying hydrated and getting enough rest. Create easy access to the materials, ingredients and spaces you need. Movement, even light physical activity, can help reduce stress, improve mood, and boost overall well-being. It also gives you a much-needed time-bound brain-break from heavy emotional processing.
Moving your body mindfully (fully focused on the present moment), can help release body-held tension, aches and pain that may have emerged at this time...
5. Routine and Structure are The New Black
Grief can make everything feel uncertain, so a well-considered, tailored daily routine can provide a much-needed sense of (new) normalcy and stability. Try to simplify responsibilities, creating an abridged or simplified form where possible.
Accept help as you need it (from those you trust and feel secure with). If it's hard to accept help, consider your priorities and needs, just as you would if you had a physical injury. It's a temporary situation and others would no doubt be eager to help with simple tasks to alleviate some of your burden right now.
Maintaining a routine, like waking up at the same time each day and engaging in familiar activities regularly, will help ground you during emotionally turbulent times.
6. Consider Ways to Continue Your Bond with Your Person
Consider creating a tribute—a photo wall, a memory box, a new ritual, helping out at a charity that was close to your person's heart, or planting a tree—something that holds deep personal meaning and serves as a reminder of the positive moments shared. These activities and rituals can provide an important continuing connection to your person while also celebrating their importance in your life.
Here are some tributes that may be useful to consider:
Setting time aside to talk about your loved one at each family get together
Arranging a plaque at home or naming something after them
Lighting a special candle to be reminded of their warmth, light and energy
Planting a memorial garden
Finishing a project your person started
Setting a place with an empty chair for your person at dinner/family events
Creating your person's favourite dishes, playing their favourite songs and/or watching their favorite movie
Visiting those who fondly knew your person
Organising a regular cemetery visit routine or special personalised ritual that honors your person's ashes
Having an item that belonged to your person in your pocket or bag that you can touch/hold for comfort
Connecting regularly through talking to them or about them, listening for their voice and telling and retelling their story
Feeling their presence in places that were special to them
Children or others in your family can join you or can choose their own way to remember and continue their connection to their person. Always remember, each may be grieving differently and may express grief or seek solace in ways that are unique to them.
7. Professional Help Takes Out the Guesswork
If your grief feels unmanageable or persistent, or you'd simply like to some assistance to navigate the next few weeks/months, consider seeking help from a therapist, counselor, or grief specialist, like me.
A professional can help you process your emotions, vent, explore meaning and find comfort, learn coping techniques, and walk alongside you through complex grief reactions. Therapy can also be an essential resource for addressing unexpected dilemmas, family conflict arising from the death, sibling difficulties, and other unresolved issues as they may arise.
8. Rest, Recalibrate, Repeat
As you know, grieving is emotionally exhausting. Give yourself permission to take regular, deliberate breaks from the intensity of your grief. Allow yourself permission to feel fuzzy, muddled or unable to recall simple things. This is perfectly normal right now and will pass in time.
It’s very useful to engage in activities that bring you peace and joy and that allow your brain to pause the grief work for an hour or two. Things like taking a mindful walk, watching a favorite movie, or spending undivided time with a pet can help recharge your emotional batteries.
9. Reach for Beautiful Creative Outlets
Engaging in creative activities like art, music, play, dance or writing can be an effective way to process grief. Creative approaches allow you to express your grief experience in non-verbal ways (also helpful for younger people). You can seek out a professional, such as an art therapist or simply create opportunities that suit you to complete at your own pace.
Writing in a journal allows you to explore deep emotions and even conflicting or unusual thoughts and sensations as they arise. Reviewing your own journal entries then allows you to respond to yourself in writing at a later date, adding self-compassion or another perspective.
Writing a one-off or regular letter to your loved one may be a helpful outlet to express some unspoken thoughts, share your updates with them and stay connected. This continuation of the bond between you is useful as it helps you to tune in to your loved one's voice and gain comfort and connection to them.
Even if you don’t consider yourself creative, these activities can serve to bring comfort and solace as you manage the work of grieving your person.
10. Be Present in each Moment
Mindfulness practices, such as meditation or focusing fully on present moment tasks, can help alleviate the weight of grief. Mindfulness can also help you develop a sense of compassion and patience for yourself during this difficult time.
By deliberately undertaking tasks one step at a time, fully engaging with the sights, smells, sensations and sounds, you may find you can "lose yourself" a little in each activity, finding some much-needed renewed energy and resilience.
This post offers an overview of some of the tools, strategies, and concepts that my grief clients have found useful over the years. The list provides options to support your grief journey, or to help you support others. Please feel welcome to share with those you love who may be experiencing grief at this time.
Carolyn xx
Learn more about counselling here: www.talktocarolyn.com
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